Breaking News
Wikiality.com is dedicated to bringing news to the internets tubes. We like our news fresh and truthy, which is why we have introduced this page dedicated to bringing the most fresh and truthy news to all the tubes of the internets! See Also: :Daily Poll Write A Caption Bear Watchers Abomination Watch Breaking News Archive Latest In Truthy News Democrats Desperate! Trailing behind Jesus' two candidates Mike Huckabee and Rudy 9iu11iani, democrat president candidates are exploiting a defenseless media! CORNPONE, IOWA, December 19, 2007-- Hoping to garner some free publicity, presidential hairdo, John Edwards is leaking rumours about himself in a last-ditch attempt to make himself appear more manly than front runner Hillary Clinton. Wikiality.com special correspondent, Ann Coulter reports from Iowa that Mr. Edwards' paramour may not even be a woman: :"I have spent the better part of the weekend trolling Iowa's vast homosexual community in search of any witnesses. And this reporter can tell you that what Mr. Edwards was with was no woman. I mean, come on. You can totally see his Adam's apple." The media spent as many hours discussing Mr. Edwards' possible heterosexual out-of-the-bathroom dalliances as Dodd spent reading shrimp recipes on the floor of the Senate. Not to be outdone, Dennis Kucinich's wife is making appearances dressed as a famous high school pole vaulter. Rumours are circulating that Osama Hussein Obama will be playing the race card in a new and dramatic way during Kwanzaa. As for Mike Gravel, his campaign has told Wikiality.com that their man's strategy for more media attention is to act normal. No word yet from the Clinton campaign as to where they will be staging their next hostage crisis. ### Presidential Candidate Christopher Dodd Threatens Fillibuster! Democrat President Candidate, Chris Dodd of Connecticut has threatened to fillibuster a bill in the Senate that will protect America! WASHINGTON, D.C., December 17, 2007-- With the only bill that will protect America from terrorists ready to be voted on by the Senate, one senator has deigned to prevent The Greatest President Ever from signing it by holding the C-SPAN microphone hostage to his never-ending blathering. The Bear Lobby called a press conference to show their support for Mr. Dodd's block, but no one came because they are bears. Instead, Mitt Romney brought his squirrel gun and took out their spokesman with one shot and saved America from hearing why anyone would support Senator Dodd's attempt at undermining the legal process and prolong America from celebrating Christmas. Wikiality.com will follow this story until it gets dark, or cold, or if we get tired, or... ### NRA Announces Tour This message is brought to you by the NRA. NRA, we're everywhere you are! COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO, December 9, 2007-- Keeping in the spirit of the season, NRA officials announced today they will be traveling around the country this winter to promote their new slogan, "We're everywhere you are!" "We'll be like a traveling revival of Constitutional rights: part God, part gun, no gays!" an unnamed spokesman said during a press conference, "We have Real American Celebrities like Tom Selleck, Kurt Russell and Ricky Schroeder who will be speaking to communities like Colorado Springs, Colorado, Arvado, Colorado, Omaha, Nebraska, Salt Lake City, Utah and Kansas City, Missouri. The very places, where red-blooded Americans live and work and shop and worship Our Lord and Savior in the safety that only guns can provide." The NRA is still working out the precise details, as of this date, but insiders tell Wikiality.com that accuracy isn't really a concern, just as long as more people are within the target range of their message. "Our aim is to hit every American town, no matter how small," the spokesman promised. Wikiality.com promises to bring our readers the latest in Constitutional protections on our NRA page. God Bless America! ### Union Writers Strike For Sex Today's news story brought to you by Viacom. Viacom, we bring things to you and they may be alive. HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA, December 4, 2007-- Wikiality.com has just received information regarding the real reason the WGA is striking against America's defenseless corporations: they are walking the picket lines to "hook up" (as the kids these days say). "It started when the homos insisted on a dress code. Then they demanded hair styles and exercising even for the older, rounder writers," a plant for America's Benevolent Broadcaster whispered to Wikiality.com using a texting tube, "these heels are hell on my feet. I would fit right in with the Lady Homos, their shoes are comfortable. This torture has nothing to do with fair compensation; it has to do with sex." Apparently, the WGA has divided their writers up by sexual orientation and how strict they hold their marriage vows, if any. Wikiality.com's spy has seen the following groups: congregating outside studio gates holding their "official strike" signs, but with their allegiances obvious to the public: * NAMBLA has set up outside Paramount Studios under the guise of older, more experienced writers "mentoring" the new, fresh, young ones * Jodie Foster's Army paraded up and down the sidewalk outside where renegade Ellen DeGeneres tapes her program * a group of "Little People" marched outside Conan O'Brien's studio presumably looking for the Masturbating Bear. Iran Has Time Machine Technologies! Facing off against The Greatest President Ever, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad deployed operatives to dismantle their nuculer program in 1993! TEHRAN, IRAN, December 3, 2007-- No sooner had The White House announced another success in the War on Terror, but Iran appears to have replaced their impending plans for a nuculer weapons development program with time travel, which most certainly uses nuculer energy! "We have successfully ended Iran's nuculer weapons program.," The White House said in a written statement, However, we still must invade now that their time traveling technologies has been discovered." According to inside sources, the CIA was finally able to go through some old chatter and found that this new information had suddenly changed into the exact opposite of everything they knew about Iran previous to the discovery. "We have no explanation for this information contradicting everything we knew to be true. The obvious explanation is that Iran has conquered time travel," an unnamed CIA agent told Wikiality.com, "We now have two ways to deal with this new threat: wait and see how else they will change the past to fit their agenda, or dismantle that technology with the greatest of prejudice American can muster. And no one does prejudice better than America!" The Greatest Administration Ever will divert funds from worthless social programs to fund whatever infrastructure necessary to combat this new threat. ### Clinton Plants Kidnapper At Campaign Office! In a desperate attempt to get media attention, New York Senator and Presidential candidate, Hillary Clinton stages a fake hostage photo opportunity in New Hampshire ROCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE, November 30, 2007-- With the early caucuses less than a month away, every campaign is trying to get as much media coverage as possible in order to throw mud at their opponents. An impending strike by newswriters at CBS may derail a scheduled debate for the democrats taking away one high profile mud-flinging opportunity. It is believed that it is for this reason that Mrs. Clinton (presumably based on advice from her husband) perpetrated this heinous act. As of this posting, Wikiality.com has only the TV, so we will continue to update this story as soon as new information becomes available. This Just In Apparently the man with the fake bomb has demanded to speak with Mrs. Clinton, who (conveniently enough) is not in New Hampshire while this is going on. Just more proof that she is behind the entire show in this reporter's eyes! Insiders are telling us that Mrs. Clinton staged this "hostage situation" so that her critics will take pity on her and make her virtually immune from the passionate and virulent protests every Real American sees as his God-given right as a law-abiding American citizen. Oh, and to make everyone feel sorry for her, two actors, one adult, one child have exited the scene complete with tears and audible crying. Nice touch there, Hillary. update The supposed shooters last name ends with "berg"! This is not only proof that he was Jewish but that he's an actor! 1 December 2007 (UTC)Grazon 02:31, 1 December 2007 (UTC) Support For Mrs. Clinton Rush Limbaugh has contacted Wikiality.com to express his ongoing support for Mrs. Clinton and to extend his sympathies for the two hostages and their families at this trying time: :"As everyone knows, I am a supporter of the democratic process even though I may have small differences of opinion with Mrs. Clinton specifically and liberals in general. For the last 15-20 years, I have discussed the idea of rational political discourse during my radio programme since its inception, behavior like this is shocking to me personally and not something I would condone from my listeners." "Hostages" Released Originally the media said there were two hostages, but the latest reports are saying there are actually three (perhaps more?). Wikiality.com can only assume that every Clinton campaign office is a clown car. ### Teacher Arrested In Sudan! A British woman was arrested by Sudanese officials for breaking Sharia law! NOT DARFUR, THE SUDAN, November 29, 2007-- A British teacher working in The Sudan has been arrested something like 4 days ago (or whatever) for what the Sudanese government calls, "insulting Mooslims". The Embassy of the United Kingdom has released a statement regarding the teacher's trial and her condition while in the local jailhouse, "We are working closely with the chaps here. As far as we can tell, nothing is bent as a a nine bob note as yet, but we're running about busy as a bee's bonnet and will continue until Miss is released, how's your father? They have allowed us to speak with the Miss and right now her outlook is as black as a Newgate's knocker, but pip, pip. It's teatime boys, Bob's your uncle." Wikiality.com has been unable to figure out just what the fuck any of that means, but has learned from some internets that the real offense committed by the teacher was that she forced the children in her classroom to name a toy after their prophet Mohammed and they placed the toy in a closet and the toy winked at the children. The British teacher was sentenced to 15 days in jail, 500 lashes and will be deported after they rifle through her purse. To prevent the future arrest of anymore Westerners, Wikiality.com has compiled a list of names not to use for children's toys and the religions they offend. Please visit this special page for the list. ### The Greatest Vice President Ever Goes To Hospital! Unexpectedly Mr. Cheney was sent to a Washington-area hospital for a possible heretofore undetected heart condition WASHINGTON, D.C., November 26, 2007-- Despite a sinking dollar, poor after Thanksgiving shopping numbers, a slow box office and chatter about a new Bin Laden tape, doctors around Washington D.C. have been put on high alert due to a National Security medical emergency! "Everyone who is in the medical field including EMS personnel, teaching physicians, faith healers and anyone who has seen at least one episode of Grey's Anatomy has been put on "on-call" status," Michael Chertoff, leader of America's foremost protection agency, the Department of Homeland Security said in a news conference, "We cannot take any chances; losing a president in the middle of a war this critical to democracy world-wide would be devastating!" In an unprecedented move, The Greatest President Ever has declared martial law in the greater Washington metropolitan area. "It's true," Chertoff continued, "the president was the one who told me to place D.C. under martial law. So, stop asking me who's in charge." The move to protect the immediate physical well-being of the citizens of Washington, but not their long-term rights was actually spelled out in a little-known Executive Order written in March of this year, after Mr. Cheney visited a hospital for deep vein thrombosis. Not that there is anything to the idea that Mr. Cheney does or does not have a heart or that the heart he may or may not have is weak or that America is in danger if this alleged heart fails to operate as designed. The White House would also like everyone to know that there is no chance that Mr. Cheney will have a stroke. Nor has he ever had a stroke, so don't start looking at that bizarre semi-paralysis of the left side of his face as any indication of having already had a stroke. Or that he could have a stroke. HOLY CRAP! Within minutes of news that Mr. Cheney may be have had a WMD implanted in his heart by terrorists who snuck past America's unprotected border to take the job of a heard-working American doctor, Wikiality.com has just learned that Trent Lott, the venerable hairpiece of the Republican party has announced he will be spending more time with his family by year's end! THIS IS IT! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! HOLY CRAP! THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END! Wikiality.com may not be posting any more news since there will be no more world! Just a few more messages before the planet is destroyed: * Al Gore, you suck! Global warming didn't end the planet! Ha, ha! Loser! * Charlene, I never told you this, but, I've loved you from afar and regret we never had a chance to technically prove our love for one another * John, I'm sorry that we did. Okay, this is it... Wait, wait... It seems there is more to this story than previously reported. According to inside sources, Wikiality.com has learned that there is a link to Mr. Cheney's alleged heart condition, Trent Lott's sudden retirement, a new Bin Laden tape and the mysterious disappearance of the lead singer of a hair band from the 1980's "Quiet Riot", a one Kevin Dubrow. Agents from the NSA and CIA will only confirm certain parts of this rumour by not confirming them, which as everyone knows really is a confirmation. When asked to comment, Joe Wilson's Wife flew into a rage and attempted to take this reporter's toupee, which is just that much more proof that it's all true. Update Whew, that was close! Okay, so the world didn't end, but at least we didn't have to spend a whole day listening to how Rudy Giuliani used city money to pay for some ass. Moving on...Apparently Mr. Cheney has recovered enough to go hunting again. Good to see you well again, sir. ### Imam Criticizes The Greatest Foreign Policy Ever! Another renegade Muslim abusing his visa in America Jr. continues to agitates the rabble! KENT, ENGLAND, November 26, 2007-- Not since the Wife of Bath has English sensibilities been so assaulted. The Imam of Canterbury began what turned out to be a 5 hour long call to jihad with his personal treatise on marriage. What caught the attention of the NSA, however, was what the Imam said about America's fight against terrorism: "Everything about the west is destructive and undermining of virtue" "Mr. Imam has been on our radar for quite some time," an unnamed NSA agent told Wikiality.com, "He certainly won't be boarding any of our planes anytime soon." America's State Department has reviewed the situation and may release a statement after the Christmas break regarding how we will respond, if at all. Maybe after the New Year, since this guy isn't in America and couldn't possibly have much oil. ### Bears Invade Defenseless Canadian Town! The number of bears has increased exponentially since November 5th, and local officials are not sure why WHISTLER, BRITISH COLUMBIA, CANADA, November 26, 2007-- Town officials in tiny Whistler have always had bears. The locals have long known the best ways to kill these godless killing machines hoping to keep their children off the dinner plates of these monsters. And thanks to the chamber of commerce, the few visitors who get lost following The Stephen Jr. Trail are taught at least a dozen ways to defeat Satan's hairy hoard before they are even allowed near the Whistler Blackcomb Peak to Peak Gondola. But this year has been different. "These Godless Killing Machines are ruled by fear and food, with food at the top of the list,” Lynn Rogers, a bearologist told Wikiality.com in an exclusive interview, “They live to eat what they frighten; that's what makes them godless." Each year Rogers and her his team of bearologists apply sophisticated scientigious techniques to count the number of bears that visit Whistler and have discovered that until recently, the number of bears had been on the decline. Until November 5th. Rogers says that even though he can pinpoint the exact moment when the bear sightings tripled right down to the minute (11:30 p.m.) he can only guess when they will drop off, if ever. Whistler's largest church, The Frozen Snake Handlers of God in Canada, have planned a day of prayer to fend off the unwanted plague. Reverend Pierre Phelps asks everyone to join the pray in November 26, 2007. Asked to comment, a local hippie said even though prayer has never worked before, it wouldn't hurt. ### Terrorists Have Infiltrated Australia's Electoral Commission! Late word from Canberra reveals disturbing trend toward anti-American sentiments world-wide! CANBERRA, AUSTRALIA, November 24, 2007-- A new, strange wind is blowing over America's Planet! Consider the most recent disturbing events: * Great Britain installs a non-Tony Blair Prime Minister * Russians fight over Putin's soul * Australians elect a non-C.O.W. supporter for their Prime Minister! Pundits expect dogs and cats to be living together within the next decade. Maybe sooner. :"Things are not looking good. With Britain out of Basra, and Australia's new PM threatening to sign and honor a treaty limiting greenhouse gas emissions, America will soon have to declare a premature victory in Iraq and find out how to say "climate change" in Australian!" an unidentified White House spokesmodel said to Wikiality.com anonymously. America's Poodle in Australia, John Howard is also expected to lose his seat in Australia's parliament as well. Kevin Rudd leader of Australia's Labour Party is expected to be the new Prime Minister. His party won 81 out of the 150 seats in Parliament, nearly 25% and a clear majority. ### Chatter Reveals Terrorist Plot From Brazil in front of what experts believe to be a nuculer facility.]] America's Greatest Defenders have revealed a terrorist threat in Brazil TEHRAN, BRAZIL, November 19, 2007-- No need for a leak from Robert Novak on this one, President Lula da Silva of Brazil flaunted his ties to Al Qaeda with a press conference! From Wikiality.com's translation service, we present an excerpt: :"Hello my fellow terrorists! Welcome to your ally against The Great Satan! Before I begin, let me start our meeting with a prayer to Allah, ::Allāhu Akbar, May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the wallet of your enemies, oh, and Death to America!" :"Join me, fellow terrorists and raise your glasses of Christian blood to toast our profitable alliance!" Responding to this threat, Robert Novak--on behalf of The Greatest Vice President Ever--accidentally let slip a secret plan to invade Brazil to stem the tide of this new threat to American freedom, or perhaps to free the Brazilian people form a fundamentalist regime, it really is too soon to say with complete certainty what is going on down there, but a secret plan is in place to deal with it. When asked to respond to the new allegations, Sean Penn immediately jumped in his Katrina rowboat to pose with Brazil's dictator. ### New FCC Chair Wants To Work Efficiently Kevin Martin, the Federal Communications Commission's boy wonder, is working hard to help America's communications corporations meet their proficiency potential. WASHINGTON, D.C., November 19, 2007-- As a recent graduate of Regent University and classmate of Monica Goodling, "The Kevster" epitomizes The Greatest Administration Ever's policy of embracing the youth of America. His office is straight out of a South Park cartoon: * electronic gadgets blanket his desk * skateboards and accessories litter the floor * Fiddy Cent music echo against the Fiddy Cent posters that line the walls Kevmeister belongs to the younger generation whose mastery of technology allows for their effortless multi-tasking. Throughout this interview K-Ma composed a song using his hip new software program, "Guitar Hero" and performed an intricate Japanese dance routine called "Dance Dance Revolution" while chewing gum and texting. "Old dude, my generation so pwns your asses, and shit," the chairman said, "while you guys are still trying to program your VCRs, we're like out there in Blu ray, chaa." The day was spent in K-Man's office as he fielded calls and took online meetings about the big issue of the day: media consolidation. THE SEATTLE MEETING A hastily set up meeting was held to assuage the hippie contingent of the Pacific Northwest. When Mr. Martin stood to address the smelly crowd, he was shouted down as the freakshows insulted his clean-cut appearance. Holding back tears, Mr. Martin finished his brief remarks and opened the floor to questions. Naturally the crowd was more interested in their own narrow agendas. Despite advertisements specifically stating the purpose of the meeting as FCC and media consolidation related, representatives of the following groups were in the auditorium: * 9/11 truthers who only shouted when other people started talking * PETA whose members were naked and threw their supply of blood on the first group to interrupt, which was... * ... Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church, who called everyone fags, including... * ...the "Don't Tase Me Bro" guy who was immediately tased. KEVIN'S BIG DREAM Lost amidst the commotion was the wisdom of Mr. Martin's statement: to allow communication corporations to regulate themselves and streamline their many businesses into one efficient smooth-running machine. Sending news to American homes cheaper and more efficiently than ever before. As the chair of the FCC, K-Fedcom Chair wants to help American communications move into a 21st century that exists only in his imagination: * where news networks will only need one newscast per night (not one for each time zone). Martin says this will be possible with the advent of all satellite broadcasting. * consumers will be able to choose the medium of delivery--TV, radio, print, internets, what have you--so everyone will get the same information no matter where it comes from * everything will cost less because the corporations will be saving so much money and advertisers will be excited and spend more money on the new technologies. As nap time approached, Kevin's mom brought in a tray of milk and sandwiches for the entire staff. After tucking her son in and softly closing the door to his office, Mrs. Martin praised her precious snowflake, :"You see how many things he can do at one time? He's not on drugs or in some kind of cult. That energy is real and he just gets better and better everyday with all those gadgets. If he can do more than one thing at a time, then the companies can too." :"My boy is a good chairman, I don't care what anyone thinks." For more information about the FCC, click here ### ---- Breaking News Archive